A Fog of Weirdness!

Hello friends! So it's been a few weeks since my last post, and as I sit here avoiding doing any work or homework, the only appropriate thing I could think of to do was write a new post. So here goes.

I've been in a weird phase lately. Have you ever felt like you were in a misty fog of life? You consistenly go through the motions, cause that's what you're supposed to do. . . only to wake up every morning wondering what the heck happened the day before? And no - it's not a hangover. . .i'm comletely sober! :) I've just been in this phase where I feel like my life is one very long/weird dream. There are small, clear glances of reality, but for the most part my life is in a fog of work, classes, and hours spent on itunes trying to find some good new music.

In an attempt to escape this odd fog, I decided yesterday to write some goals. Starting with a better sleeping schedule, I'm going to attempt to re-enter the reality that once was my life. I'm a little nervous however, that these goals aren't going to accomplish such a miracle. What an odd time of life this is. . .

Anyways. . . Is anyone else weirded out by the fact that they're already selling Christmas stuff? For heavens sake people, It's not even thanksgiving! If they start playing a charlie brown christmas instead of regularly scheduled programming. . . i'm going to be upset!

If life had a pause button. . .

Ahhh - another post. So, I'm just sitting at work, thinking about everything I should be doing, and the thought came to myself to blog. I wasn't sure what to write about, so I was looking through all my drafts that I had started but never finished, and I found this one. Apparently I was supposed to be writing a paper at that time, and I was wishing for a pause button. I wanted it because the paper was due in less than 8 hours, and I needed more time. But then I realized would have to do a lot cooler things than just write a paper with my pause button. . . . So - here is a list of things I would do if I could pause time. . .

I would catch up on all my schoolwork and work. (*note to readers. . .schoolwork doesn't apply anymore. yay for graduation) But seriously - i struggle with finding the time in my day to accomplish all I need to. And - if I find the time, I somehow end up using it to play around on itunes, or to chat with my roommates. Any spare moments I have are rarely spent on homework - at least not willingly.

I would go on a hike - and pause time at mid-afternoon - and I would just sit up there for a long period of *time?* and think about my life. I love just sitting in quiet places and sorting my life out.

I would watch an entire season of the office. or 24. Seriously - you just can't ever watch too much of those tv shows. But I never have the time to. . . .

I would take a really long nap. Right after lunch. Then I'd press play and get back to work.

I'd punch people. :) I'd go to wal-mart, and punch people. Only the guys the looked mean though. ooohhh - story time. So I was at wal-mart last night, getting a new curtain rod. (*sidenote - my new curtains are incredible. incredibly cute!!!) Anyways - i'm at wal-mart, and there's a little boy with his dad shopping. THe little boy was just playing around in the racks, just bein a kid. And the dad was frustrated. So this jerk who works at wal-mart, comes up and gives the guy a hard time. Then, after he leaves - the guy calls security - saying that "There was supsicious activity in the men's clothing department." I was bugged. I almost took off my heels and threw them at him. But. . . I didn't have a pause button, and assault doesn't seem like a great idea.

So anyways. . those are just a few of the things I"d do with a pause button. I"m sure that there are lots of other cooler things I could do. . . but these are the ones that came to mind first.

Cinderella's Lies

Ladies and Gentlemen - boys and girls. I have some very important news, that will most likely effect you. Disney has lied to us. Yes - that's right. They lied.

I remember as a 5 or 6 year old girl, I loved the Disney movie Aladdin. I wanted to be Princess Jasmine. I mean, who wouldn't want a cute boy to take them on a magic carpet ride? All the while he's singing her love songs, and they very quickly discover that they are, indeed, meant to be together. Soul Mates in fact. If I remember correctly, there were most likely fireworks in the sky during their wedding/first kiss. (*So often those happen at the same time in Disney movies. . . )

Well, here's the thing. Disney gave me unrealistic expectations. I honestly grew up expecting that when I got old enough, my Prince charming would show up. He would be more than perfect, fireworks would fly, he would wine and dine me - because the second we met, we'd both know that we were meant to be. Heck, cheesy music with unreal lyrics would also be playing in the background. Boys and girls, I'm here to tell you, it's all a stupid lie. I think that Disney has seriously screwed over the dating ethic here at Utah State - and after a few rants and raves with numerous friends on many different occasions, I'd like to do my part to try and dispell the horrible myths that Bell, Jasmine, and Cinderella have always led us to believe.

I think that we all expect to have some brilliant sign, some fireworks, butterflies, creepy crabs and seagulls singing - trying to persuade us to just go ahead and enjoy a first kiss. People - it's not real. I think that there is a growing trend of belief that if we're not feeling fire/sparks/butterflies within the first few weeks, we should just throw in the towel. Obviously, Cinderella would have been angry if Prince Charming didn't fall in love after that first dance. But what girls at USU do you see that have a fairy godmother, a pumpkin for a carriage, and mice that talk to them. That's right. All that stuff is crazy. So is the mentality that we must all be as the forementioned couple - and initially know that it's meant to be. Disney only had two hours to entertain little kids - but my dear friends, we've got plenty of time to figure out our own story. If we all just took a deep breathe and relaxed, Who knows! We might end up hearing the creepy little crab singing after all. :)

Elephants and Oddly Dressed People

wow. It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’m sure you’ve all deeply missed my thoughts on life, and so I decided to take a few minutes and share some things that have been on my mind lately. To start out with, the circus is in town. and I had the “awesome opportunity” to see the elephant parade. and I couldn’t help but ask myself, “What the heck????”

. . . . I’m just sitting her at my desk, coding away on some website, and I look out the window, and about 20 elephants are walking along the Trax rail. . . . ? “wow. an elephant” I thought - and then I snapped out of programming and thought, “Oh my Hell, an elephant!” Not only elephants my friends, elephants with bejeweled riders in brightly colored clothing. This strange array of elephants soon led me to asking the question of why the circus was ever invented in the first place? Were/are people so bored that we must make a spectacle of weirdly dressed people walking the tightrope and wearing gigantic shoes? Does anyone even think that’s entertaining? I mean sure. . .the elephants caught my eye. But mostly because I’m used to seeing the trax train, not an elephant train.

Onto better things. I - Kat the Geek - have decided that we all go through life faking it. Let me explain. I think we learn to use our imaginations at a very young age. When I was 4 -I could have sworn that my basement was a lake! I would walk around every single day in my swimming suit, and I would enjoy every second of my day, because everyday at my house was a day spent at the beach :) Well, I’m afraid that mentality has never really left me. You see, here I am. I’m 21, ready to graduate college - and I still live in a reality completely composed within my imagination. In Kat-land, I’m following all the right steps. Working hard in high school to get a scholarship, going to college - attending parties, dating, following the normal life of what college is “supposed” to be - in essence, just a constant future resume builder. My nights are spent at the library, then it’s on to Little Ceasear’s for some cheep pizza. Next step in life is obviously to find a job - so I did that too. What am I getting at you ask? . . . well, I’m just starting to question why we feel the necessity to imagine that we’re all supposed to follow that standard mold of what life should be? Aren’t we just acting as I did as a 4 yr old? Ignoring most of reality, just so I can have my day at the Beach?

I guess I should explain a little more . . . there is just so much going on in the world today. And yet, as young Americans, we’ve been trained to employ that imagination and just go along with our daily life, all too often ignoring the blatant and harsh realities that exist around us. What I’m not doing with this post is being pessimistic. What I am doing is petitioning myself to become a little less selfish. I get so caught up in the dream of what my life should become, I ignore those around me who could possibly be in need of my help. I need to come down a little bit from this life that I’ve always pursued and start to think about what I can do to let others reach what their imagination and dreams have always encouraged them to become. . . . only a thought

Internal Corporate Mayhem

So I just realized - my title makes no sense. But whatever. :) Those are three words that hit me in just the write way - and so I decided they'd peform well as my title.

Aww life. It's kinda funny, isn't it? Sometimes I serioulsy wish I had a rewind button. But - I wouldn't know what I know now - I'd just have had a little voice in my head, gently telling me to pull my head out :) I think it would ruin all the fun in life if we knew exactly what was going to happen to us in the future - it would take away that fun little shock and suprise that we so often encounter. Even though the anticipation, and all the unknowns kind of get to us at times, at the same time - they're what make life so beautifuL!

Another thing that I realized is this - I trust way too much. But I have also decided that that is an okay thing. I'd rather get burned than to not give people a complete chance. It's not the population of the world's fault that some people have burned us in the past. I think we owe it to the world to give everyone a fair chance. Yeah - some of them might completely make an idiot out of you - but you get over that soon enough!

Onto lighter matters - I have a serious addiction to Diet Coke. It's starting to scare me. .. and I might just have to quit. But alas - I probably won't! I have however, stopped eating tootsie rolls. I have the biggest sweet tooth in the world, and it's been killing me to pull back the reins on my sugar intake. I think that this lack of sugar has only enhanced my dependance on Diet Coke. . . so which do I choose? Or maybe I should just get some self control and stop both of them. . . yeah. That won't happen. But the thought was nice.

Oh, and to end this, I realized that the whole "Life's a garden, dig it" quote makes no sense. at least not to me. yeah  - it sounds all clever. . but what the crap does it mean? Please Explain!

Anatomy of an Elevator Ride

Okay - who has ever had an awkward elevator ride? I swear. . . .what is up with getting in a little miniature room with a complete stranger? We would never do that naturally - but yet, to avoid the pain of a few stairs, we do. I had the most awkward elevator ride yesterday! I was walking to work, got in the elevator, and sadly. . .i was not alone. A woman that works in the offices next to mine joined me. The ensueing 30 seconds were filled with a fog of intense awkwardness. It pressed down on me from every angle. . . do I say "how are you?" - "Nice day today. . ." "or Man alive, I wish it were friday". ??? Or - would it be better to sit in silence? It was apparent that we both were having an internal battle - to be social or a recluse? When the doors finally opened it gave me such immense releif I actually exhaled loudly.

From the elevator I then proceeded to my desk. speaking of awkard. .  let me give you a small visual of my department. there are 5 desks in the room, and yet there are only 4 corners. .. guess who's desk is parked in the middle of the room? Why yes - that would be mine! It's like i'm on display. . . so everytime I sit down, I just want to say, "Okay class, now pay attention" :) My network cable and telephone cord are stretched to my desk from across the room, and they consistenly trip my co-worker Josh. I had to pull out the duct tape and do some room-surgery, just to avoid a liability suit.

On a completely different note, I'm pleased to announce that in less than 48 hours, Harry Potter 7 is being released. I'm freaking out on the inside. well. . .that's about all there is to say about HP. Just know. . .i'm freaking out. Seriously.

On the matter of my life. .  it's great. I'm workin the corporate life now, going to meetings int he conference room, emailing clients. . .all that jazz. Life sure hits ya fast, and a part of me can't wait to get back to college. Even though I'll only be there til December - it's nice to know that I have at least 5 more months of "security". However, it's also nice to have a good job! To know that I can eat out at Taco Bell, and not have to starve for a few days after because of it. I can actually afford Taco Bell now! WOOHOO!

Harry. . Marry Me?!

The countdown is currently at 27 days and 22 hours. The countdown I'm referring to is none other than the release of my all-time favorite book, Harry Potter 7. How do I know it' smy favorite book? Well, cause I'm addicted to HP. Addicted. Well, I think I'd have a hard time blogging about that for a decent length, so instead I've decided to post some questions I have - (*I'm stealing this Idea from Marty . . .pure genius)

#1. Why do guys initiate a texting convo, only to end it awkwardly?

I cannot count the amount of times this has happened. I'll get a text from a guy, so i figure they want to say something more than the 5 words they initially said, only to get a response that makes it seem like I'm annoying them by responding. WTF?!

#2. Why does Utah not have one decent radio station?

We live in a very technologically advanced age - so why is it that I can never listen to a radio station for longer than 10 minutes without getting frustrated and just plugging in my ipod? Also - how is it that they all play commercials at the same time? Do they plan that?! I'm starting to decide that they've plotted against us from the beginning!

#3. Why has the "hang out" completely replaced dating?

I can't remember the last date I went on - but I hang out with guys a lot. Guys - there is nothing more confusing to a girl than hanging out with her. Please just put it out there - if you like her, ask her out. If you don't, make it obvious your hang-outs are only as friends. I'm sick of being confused about intentions. Thank You.

#4. Why Does Coca-Cola keep changing their selection?

I love Diet Coke. I love Diet Vanilla Coke - and then they took it away, only to be replaced with Diet Vanilla Cherry Coke. I grew to love that, and now it's gone! Where do they put it?! Is it really that hard to just give us a lot of options?!! Dear Coca-Cola, you are killing me slowly.

#5. Why can't we feel the earth spinning?

We're speeding through space at an alarming rate, but I can't feel that. . . why?! I'm glad I can't. . but it blows my mind. I mean heck, we're flying through space! And I can't feel a thing!

#6. Who came up with the idea of re-runs?

Who is the TV Exec that came up with this sick joke? I miss The Office, and I miss 24.. . . why do they do this to me?

#7. Why Can't we control who we Fall for?

I swear. . . there are so many people I wish I could fall in love with, but my heart just refuses. There is nothing wrong with these people, in fact they're completely perfect on paper. But when I put myself in the position, I just don't feel anything. And yet, I always have feelings for people that are completely wrong for me. . . why is that?

So there are just a few questions I've been thinking about lately. I know they sound negative - but I just thought I'd put them out there!

So life has been pretty great lately! I've got the best job in the world this summer, and I just get to witness kids changing their lives. It's amazing!!! I love the fact that I can just sit and watch these transformations happen! In a world that so often seems only negative and scary, I get to see the rising generation in all their glory! They're great! They're strong! and they give me lots of hope for tomorrow!

Also, I had a great talk with my dad last night. It sometimes scares me how much alike we are! I saw a picture of him on his wedding day (*yeah, he was my age when he got married) and it was eerie how much we look alike. If I cut off all my hair, I'd be his twin. . okay, not that extreme. . but almost! And as I talked with him last night, I saw where I got so many of my mannerisms, and personality traits! We talked for hours, and it was fabulous!!! I dunno if I've ever said this, but I really do have the most amazing family life ever! They are all my best friends, and I dunno what I'd do without them! I lucked out in the family department!

Well, I'm finally exhausted. This has been one really weird blog. . .but hey. I'm tired :) and I just ate a bunch of gummi-worms. . is that a good excuse?! Or would the fact that I'm w/0 a diet vanilla cherry coke work better?! :)

Removal of Wisdom

Do you ever have those nights where you just can't sleep? I do. . .and I seem to be having them more and more regularly as of late. I have a really messed up sleeping schedule - but alas. .  such is my life :) The best thing about these sleepless nighgts is that they give me no other option than to pick up my laptop and write a nice long blog. So here goes:

I got my wisdom teeth out last week, and I am very grateful that I never have to relive that experience. It was all fine and dandy the day of - I had the anasthesia and pain killers to deal with the initial shock. It was more like 5 days after that I really felt the shock of it. My cheeks had swelled to unparallled proportions, and me - being the dork I always am - decided to attend a party looking like a chipmunk. Mind you, I was slightly high on percaset* (how the crap do you spell that word? I dunno. . sound it out) - and when I'm high on that pill, I just don't act like me. I was a complete social recluse, but I found it necessary to stare at everyone in the room! What an awkward thirty  minutes that was! For myself - and everyone that fell victim to my drug induced stare!!!

The other factor in me getting my wisdom teeth out, is that I had a LOT of time to sit and think. . . even though the thinking was cloudy - I still just sat and analyzed my life. As everyone who knows me at all is aware, the past year has been a pretty extreme one for me. LIfe just changed, and it gave me plenty to think about while I was out of the loop with the whole wisdom teeth incident. As I sit here now. . .wishing I could sleep - I"m trying to decide if all this thinking has gotten me anywhere. . . Am I any closer to feeling at peace with myself? With those around me? .. . . to be honest. I just don't know.

There are times, when I feel like i'm living in a pseudo-reality. Like my life is one complete dream, and sometime soon, I'll wake up. Then reality hits me that I am indeed in reality. Those moments are hard to deal with. Then there are other times when I feel complete and utter clarity and peace with everything and all the events that have occurred. There are these bold flashes where i understand it all and it all just seems okay. To be perfectly honest, I'd appreciate it if those weren't just flashes. . . but if they could just warp into a solid state of mind. I dunno - I'm just blabbing. . .onto better things.

I was having a great talk with one of my best friends last night. I was in one of my moods, where I just didn't feel like the good ol' cheery gal I usually try to be. when I was alone, I wanted to be around people -  but when I was with people, all I wanted to do was be alone. I told him how I was feeling, and he explained it back to me perfectly. The reality of my state of mind was that I would rather be alone with a person who truly understood me. ahhh. .. exactly. I think I need to explain further for you to really understand what I mean by this:

You see - I'm a VERY guarded person. I know a ton of people, and I feel like my social circle is gigantic, and yet - there are only about 4 people in this world besides my family that have ever REALLY known me. Yes. . lots of people are acquainted with me, I don't feel like I'm fake or anything like that - but these people just know the surface me. It takes a lot for me to really let my guard down and let someone know who I really am. Well, since I'm so guarded and controlling about who I allow to really know me, there are a lot of times where I feel like no one gets me - cause well. . . they don't. They think they do, and so I just have to go along being the girl they all think I am (*even though that is me.  . . . . .I try my hardest to NEVEr be phony), when in reality I just wish that someone could look at me, understand how I'm feeling, and I could go on in the knowledge that at least one person got me.

Well, recently I've felt like no one knows me - and the few that I've really let in, have decided that they just don't care. Ouch. . .that hurts. One of those four actually called me on the phone, and I had a surface conversation with him. That hurt me so badly. It was just like a bad nightmare. I'd had one crazy week, and I had really looked forward to the chance of talking with him about that week - but instead we just talked like we had met the day before at a random party. It crushed me, cause the reality of that situation is that he doesn't want to get that close. He knows that I let him in, and he also realizes that when I let my guard down like that I tend to get attached - and he just doesn't want that. Ouch. That hurt! So there i was, on the phone, realizing that 2/4 of the people I'd let my guard down to had actually rejected me. . . and I just felt betrayed - and that only increased my ability to be guarded.

I also realized yesterday that I must appear very impersonable. That same great friend (*one of the few that actually gets me) that was explaining my frustrations to me, was laughing about the person he used to think I was. Apparently I give off the vibe of "don't get close to me" which often translates into snobbiness and conceit. The reason it was so funny is that I'm not that person at all - but I give off those vibes unconsciously in an effort to protect myself? - at least that's what we decided last night.

I guess in conclusion. . . well I dunno what to conclude. :) I'm just trying to figure out where I am in life, and what I'm supposed to be doing with my current situation. I guess I need to just follow my own advice - and chill :)

"awareness" of Irony

Wow - can you believe it? School is finally over for the year (*large long sigh of relief!)Ya know, it's always so crazy how life changes from year to year. You never really know the friendships and memories you're about to make - and then when May hits, it's always crazy to see it change again.

So, I woke up the other day - only to realize that my life is so much different than I planned. For instance - my freshman year of college, I remember seeing this blonde girl in the business building. I also remember having certian feelings of resentment towards said girl. The boys just seemed to flock to her. Of course, being the girl that I am - I instantly decided that she must be either A.Snotty B. Easy C.Dumb or D. all of the above. I made an instant judgment about this girl that lasted me for about a year and half.

Well, as we've already established - my life is a huge irony. You see - last year I went on spring break with a bunch of completely random people - only to discover that said blonde girl was in our group. Oh how wrong our impressions of people can be - and how wrong they usually are. This blonde was neither snotty, easy, or dumb. She's actually one of the most amazing girls I've ever had the privelege of knowing. To add to the irony - that blonde is now my roommate, not to mention one of my closest friends.

Well, that fact just seemed to hit me quite hard the other night. I was sitting there getting ready in an apartment I never dreamed I'd be in, being roommates with a girl I never dreamed I'd be such close friends with. It was then that I realized that I really need to stop trying to plan my life - and just start to go with the flow. . . not in the sense of giving up my dreams/aspirations. I still intend on keeping with the majors - but as far as the minor details go, I need to just relax and let fate take control. So far - it's done a pretty good job - even with me resisting with all my strength!!!

Beyond all that though, I came to realize how this time in our lives forces us to freak out. So - we need to put forth all our energy so that we don't do that very thing. That is however, a very difficult thing to achieve. Major life decisions are pressing down on us from every angle, from what major to choose, to whom to marry, to what we want to cook for dinner (*okay - that last one isn't that major, but when you're hungry. . . ). My point is, sometimes we let the pressure of these decisions break us. This is supposed to be the "Best Years" of our lives - and don't get me wrong, they have been!!! I've had more fun, more memories, and more growing experiences than any other period of my life. . . and I'm forced to question if they have been so great, only because of the stressful parts. . . wow. . that was some awful english. Let me try again.

I have come to determine (*see, doesn't that sound smarter) that these years have only been as fun/growing/amazing as they have been because of the hard decisions. wow. . . still struggling to make perfect sense - but I'm getting closer. I think it's the polar opposites that occur during this time that make them so sweet. The fun is incredibly fun, while the stresses are incredibly stressing. . . we survive only because we have the most extreme of both worlds. So - how do we cope?

This brings me back to my first point - we don't cope. We just - chill. Wow - deep thoughts by a girl who isn't high. I swear! For way too long I've tried to cope - I've tried to exert all kinds of effert to "deal" with the cards life was handing me, only to realize that this was wasted energy on things that were completely out of my control. So my decisions is this: Be in control of what I can control - and otherwise, let fate handle it!

The Irony that is Kat's Life: Part 5050

So. . I realized somethign this past week. My life, is one gigantic irony. If you've ever sat there and wondered why fate hates you, know that I can empathize in every sort of way!

To begin with. . . monday was 24. . . that has nothing to do with the irony. Nothing at all! Just that 24 only lasts an hour. . and I wish it lasted 24, cause then I could always know what's going on with jack bauer!

Oh yeah. . irony. Got it. So. . . I've always tried to pretend that I wasn't the kind of girl who got all girly and mean. YOu know, the ones who are like, "I can't stand her. . she's so weird. . .etc etc". And then I realized that I was being that girl. . and I felt like I was totally warranted! I let the actions of a stupid boy turn me into one of those girls. I was taking out my anger toward this boy - on a girl who didn't deserve it. So just let me publicly apologize for being a mean girl. Girls - we need to stick together. . . boys tend to be mean - and they have a knack for turning us against each other. . when they are the ones at fault. . isn't that weird?! I hope that I never let myself be that girl again. So here is the irony - I let my mean girl guard down. . and forced myself to be a nice girl. and BAM! I realized that I had been really snotty. . and almost missed out on getting to know someone really amazing and fun! So everyone - learn from this girl's mistake. . don't be a mean girl!

hmmm. . . is that the only irony of my week?! Oh heavens no. . i'm just trying to decide if the other ironies are way too private to share with the entire population of utah state. .. and I"m deciding that they most definitly are!

oh - here is a funny little fact! I'm going to meet with a judge tomorrow. . because they're threatening to take away my license. :) I've only received two tickets - one for running a stop sign, and the other for speeding in a construction zone. I guess these two offenses carry a pretty hefty point level. . cause yeah. I'm going to see the judge. If this hearing doens't go well - i'm losing my license for an entire month. . . so everyone please pray that I don't lose it!!!

The other irony is that there has been a peeping tom around my apartment for about the past six months. Well - I got home tonight, and I was locked out of my apartment. Mind you - it's been raining, so I had on a big gray hoodie, which I had up over my head so I didn't get wet. Well, when I discovered that I had been locked out, I proceeeded to try and get in my window. . . lol. . when my entire complex is paranoid about a peeping tom. I gave up after a minute or two, and luckily my car was unlocked. So I just sat in there while I called my roommate to come and let me in (*she was with her boyfriend. . ) lol well. . not thirty seconds after I get inside my car, a police car shows up, and 5 cops hop out and proceed to shine their spotlights in the direct spot I had just been,. aka outside my very own window. yes, I was apparantly an alleged peeping tom - and I"m sitting in my car watching the cops look for me. . .even though I'm not the tom. To make a long story short. . the cops weren't too pleased when they saw me in my car. . and asked me how long I'd been locked out. . the timelines matched up. . and they realized I wasn't a peeper. . . It wasn't funny - but come on. It really was.

Work Avoidance

Outside the sun is shining, birds are chirping - it's a spectacular spring day. And here I am. . . in my apartment, pretending to be working. The best part is, Im avoiding web design. . . . by doing more web design. If only I could get paid to blog! (*maybe some day?!)

So I went camping last night! Much to the addition of my ego, I started the fire all by myself. I actually had the fire crackling before the boys had the tents up. You see, this is actually a very exciting thing! You have to know my father to truly understand why I'm so proud of this, but for those of you who do know him - you can fully appreciate the pride that I feel, and that I know he also will feel when I tell him! :)

I'm currently listening to Harry Potter, all in preparation of the book release - which one of my widgets tells me is being released in 98 days, 9 hours, and 36 minutes. :) I'm seriously in love with these books, and I'm having quite a bit of cognitive dissonance in deciding how I feel about book 7 being released. Harry has been a part of my life for so long. . I"m not sure my heart is ready to truly know how the series ends.. . My only reconciliation is that I'll be able to read it any time I want. . time and time and time again. My children will be raised on Harry Potter. . and I hope one of my little boys needs glasses, so I can slap some big black frames on him. :)

I love Spring. I love the fresh start that it gives us - especially in Cache Valley. For so many months, we're stuck in the smog - then spring comes! The cold melts away, the sun shines through, and everything starts to smell SOOO much better! I also love the fresh start that it gives my psyche. The other day I was walking home from class, and I couldn't help but smile. My life is in complete uproar, but I couldn't be upset. The view of the sun lighting up the whole valley took my breathe away. Along with spring comes finals. . that is one bad thing. And with finals comes my accounting of what I've done the past year. As I sit here thinking back on the past nine months. . . I don't know how to feel. I've grown up so much, more than I ever anticipated. I knew coming into the school year that Life was going to be changing, but I don't think I had ANY idea what I was in for. However, I'm happy to say - I"M OKAY! A few days ago, I was able to actually honestly say, I'm OK :)

When it comes to acting happy - I can usually fake it to everyone else, but deep inside I am falling apart - but not this time! This time my soul was actually smiling! I no longer had to pretend. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm so grateful for the fact that God knows what He's doing. So often we try and tell Him what to do with our lives, and then we throw a complete tissy when He kindly informs us our plan sucks. I tend to get angry when people don't like my plans - especially when I'm forced to change them. However, I'm so grateful for the fact that my Heavenly Father knows me better than I even know myself. Nine months ago, I was sure He was trying to kill me - that the trial he was giving me was some sick joke. But Today, I am relieved to say that had my plan gone through, I would have been very unhappy indeed. Thank heaven for trials - thank heaven for the fact that God is in control. How silly of me for distrusting him!!! For today, because of Him - and the pain he allowed me to experience, I'm OK!

A Walking Contradiction

So here I am. Watching deal or no deal. I just decided it was time for me to write a blog outside myspace. . . cause now everyone can read it. :)

Life for me has been pretty crazy. To be honest, it's been upside down! Life has thrown me a few curveballs as of late, and I'm learning how to handle them! I hope that I'm learning whatever lesson it is with grace, . . .but to be frank, I think i'm failing.

I've always been a girl with a plan. I knew what I wanted from life, and exactly how I would get it. I've always prided myself with being an overacheiver - the girl with the ability to get what she wanted, because she worked really hard to get it. (I don't believe in hand outs!)

So what's the problem you ask? As I sit here tonight, playing on my MacBook, I've realized something. Life has not turned out how I thought it would. The "love of my life" has dissappeared somewhere along the way, and even though I've tried to hold on for the longest time, I know it's time to give up. Let me explain. . . .

My definition of love is this - if you love someone, you hold their well being above that of your own. It means being completely selfless. I'm not talking about letting someone walk all over you, I'm saying that if you're doing something that you want to do, but it's hurting the other person, you'd give it up. Because it was hurting them. . . However, as I sit here, contemplating the "love" of my life, I realize that it was never really love. Maybe not for either one of us. Do I care about him? Of course! More deeply than I've ever cared for anyone in my life. . . but as I look back, I see more tears than smiles, and more nights spend hurting than evenings laughing in each others arms.

Why is it that we have to let go? What is it we're supposed to learn? Do we have to be on our own for a time, just so we can learn exactly who we are without someone, so that when the time comes that we really do meet "the one" - we're the best we can be? The thought of being without him hurts me to the core, and I now know the definition of heartbreak. It cuts you to the core, it's immobilizing at times. There are those mornings when you really just don't want to get out of bed, because the thought of facing another day without them in your life seems to be more than you can take. (Man I sound like a sap. . . but hear me out)

The past two months of my life have been. . . frightening. I've had to live a completely different life than I ever had planned. A life that is complelety foreign to me. Being by myself with no one to talk to has never been a part. Having to share my thoughts and feelings with a blog instead of a friend was never in the game plan. :) However, the past two months of my life have been great.

wait - did I just contradict myself? No. .. I don't think. Even though the past few months have been extremely difficult, I've been forced to deal with it. I've had to fight through it. And in doing so, I've learned more about myself than in any other time of my life. I know who I am. ..(more than I did before). . . and I know what I want. I feel sort of liberated, because now the world is open to me. I was so "tied down" to the life I had imagined, I never even thought of all the other possibilities that exist! Are those possibilities waht I want? Maybe - maybe not. But how can I know if I never try to experience them?

Problems With Puppy Love

If only everyone had my view on life. Then it would make so much more sense. If not for them, then at least for me! Have you ever woke up one day - and realized that you didn't really know anything anymore? The people, the events, the things you always thought would remain constant - have instantly changed - while you were sleeping. . . and then you realize. It didn't just happen over night. It's been a gradual change - one so gradual that you don't even notice it was happening.

The past year has been one of incredible changing in my life. I think* (*emphasis on the think) that I'm finally learning who I am. But in doing so - I've sort of felt like I've been ripped apart. . . you see - i've always had another person that kind of helped make up who i was. For four long years, I've had him there - and so in a way, he helped define me. When I was with him, I was complete. For a really long time, I never had to be without him! So I knew myself as who I was with him. . . hence a problem.

You see, there's always a problem when in your process of self-discovery aka - what we're supposed to be doing during our teen, early adult years - is hindered by the constant companionship of another person. You tend to lean on them - they become your best friend. And you know who you are as who you are with them, because you're never without them. Well, much to my suprise, this past year - he's slowly been ripping away from me. And in losing myself *(or what i thought was myself) I've truly found myself. And today - I feel like me. For the first time in four years.