Work Avoidance

Outside the sun is shining, birds are chirping - it's a spectacular spring day. And here I am. . . in my apartment, pretending to be working. The best part is, Im avoiding web design. . . . by doing more web design. If only I could get paid to blog! (*maybe some day?!)

So I went camping last night! Much to the addition of my ego, I started the fire all by myself. I actually had the fire crackling before the boys had the tents up. You see, this is actually a very exciting thing! You have to know my father to truly understand why I'm so proud of this, but for those of you who do know him - you can fully appreciate the pride that I feel, and that I know he also will feel when I tell him! :)

I'm currently listening to Harry Potter, all in preparation of the book release - which one of my widgets tells me is being released in 98 days, 9 hours, and 36 minutes. :) I'm seriously in love with these books, and I'm having quite a bit of cognitive dissonance in deciding how I feel about book 7 being released. Harry has been a part of my life for so long. . I"m not sure my heart is ready to truly know how the series ends.. . My only reconciliation is that I'll be able to read it any time I want. . time and time and time again. My children will be raised on Harry Potter. . and I hope one of my little boys needs glasses, so I can slap some big black frames on him. :)

I love Spring. I love the fresh start that it gives us - especially in Cache Valley. For so many months, we're stuck in the smog - then spring comes! The cold melts away, the sun shines through, and everything starts to smell SOOO much better! I also love the fresh start that it gives my psyche. The other day I was walking home from class, and I couldn't help but smile. My life is in complete uproar, but I couldn't be upset. The view of the sun lighting up the whole valley took my breathe away. Along with spring comes finals. . that is one bad thing. And with finals comes my accounting of what I've done the past year. As I sit here thinking back on the past nine months. . . I don't know how to feel. I've grown up so much, more than I ever anticipated. I knew coming into the school year that Life was going to be changing, but I don't think I had ANY idea what I was in for. However, I'm happy to say - I"M OKAY! A few days ago, I was able to actually honestly say, I'm OK :)

When it comes to acting happy - I can usually fake it to everyone else, but deep inside I am falling apart - but not this time! This time my soul was actually smiling! I no longer had to pretend. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm so grateful for the fact that God knows what He's doing. So often we try and tell Him what to do with our lives, and then we throw a complete tissy when He kindly informs us our plan sucks. I tend to get angry when people don't like my plans - especially when I'm forced to change them. However, I'm so grateful for the fact that my Heavenly Father knows me better than I even know myself. Nine months ago, I was sure He was trying to kill me - that the trial he was giving me was some sick joke. But Today, I am relieved to say that had my plan gone through, I would have been very unhappy indeed. Thank heaven for trials - thank heaven for the fact that God is in control. How silly of me for distrusting him!!! For today, because of Him - and the pain he allowed me to experience, I'm OK!

A Walking Contradiction

So here I am. Watching deal or no deal. I just decided it was time for me to write a blog outside myspace. . . cause now everyone can read it. :)

Life for me has been pretty crazy. To be honest, it's been upside down! Life has thrown me a few curveballs as of late, and I'm learning how to handle them! I hope that I'm learning whatever lesson it is with grace, . . .but to be frank, I think i'm failing.

I've always been a girl with a plan. I knew what I wanted from life, and exactly how I would get it. I've always prided myself with being an overacheiver - the girl with the ability to get what she wanted, because she worked really hard to get it. (I don't believe in hand outs!)

So what's the problem you ask? As I sit here tonight, playing on my MacBook, I've realized something. Life has not turned out how I thought it would. The "love of my life" has dissappeared somewhere along the way, and even though I've tried to hold on for the longest time, I know it's time to give up. Let me explain. . . .

My definition of love is this - if you love someone, you hold their well being above that of your own. It means being completely selfless. I'm not talking about letting someone walk all over you, I'm saying that if you're doing something that you want to do, but it's hurting the other person, you'd give it up. Because it was hurting them. . . However, as I sit here, contemplating the "love" of my life, I realize that it was never really love. Maybe not for either one of us. Do I care about him? Of course! More deeply than I've ever cared for anyone in my life. . . but as I look back, I see more tears than smiles, and more nights spend hurting than evenings laughing in each others arms.

Why is it that we have to let go? What is it we're supposed to learn? Do we have to be on our own for a time, just so we can learn exactly who we are without someone, so that when the time comes that we really do meet "the one" - we're the best we can be? The thought of being without him hurts me to the core, and I now know the definition of heartbreak. It cuts you to the core, it's immobilizing at times. There are those mornings when you really just don't want to get out of bed, because the thought of facing another day without them in your life seems to be more than you can take. (Man I sound like a sap. . . but hear me out)

The past two months of my life have been. . . frightening. I've had to live a completely different life than I ever had planned. A life that is complelety foreign to me. Being by myself with no one to talk to has never been a part. Having to share my thoughts and feelings with a blog instead of a friend was never in the game plan. :) However, the past two months of my life have been great.

wait - did I just contradict myself? No. .. I don't think. Even though the past few months have been extremely difficult, I've been forced to deal with it. I've had to fight through it. And in doing so, I've learned more about myself than in any other time of my life. I know who I am. ..(more than I did before). . . and I know what I want. I feel sort of liberated, because now the world is open to me. I was so "tied down" to the life I had imagined, I never even thought of all the other possibilities that exist! Are those possibilities waht I want? Maybe - maybe not. But how can I know if I never try to experience them?

Problems With Puppy Love

If only everyone had my view on life. Then it would make so much more sense. If not for them, then at least for me! Have you ever woke up one day - and realized that you didn't really know anything anymore? The people, the events, the things you always thought would remain constant - have instantly changed - while you were sleeping. . . and then you realize. It didn't just happen over night. It's been a gradual change - one so gradual that you don't even notice it was happening.

The past year has been one of incredible changing in my life. I think* (*emphasis on the think) that I'm finally learning who I am. But in doing so - I've sort of felt like I've been ripped apart. . . you see - i've always had another person that kind of helped make up who i was. For four long years, I've had him there - and so in a way, he helped define me. When I was with him, I was complete. For a really long time, I never had to be without him! So I knew myself as who I was with him. . . hence a problem.

You see, there's always a problem when in your process of self-discovery aka - what we're supposed to be doing during our teen, early adult years - is hindered by the constant companionship of another person. You tend to lean on them - they become your best friend. And you know who you are as who you are with them, because you're never without them. Well, much to my suprise, this past year - he's slowly been ripping away from me. And in losing myself *(or what i thought was myself) I've truly found myself. And today - I feel like me. For the first time in four years.