The Memory of Diet Coke

So. . . I've been thinking a lot lately. OH wow - that sounds so ridiculous. I - as a human being. . . have actually been capable of thought! :) Lets put it this way - the past little while, i have been thinking more deeply than usual - and even though I may be around friends, i have seemed to drift into my own little world of thought - because what's going on in my mind seems more pressing than what's going on around me. What's causing this. .. well - that's extremely hard to explain. I'll try to spare you the details - but i think the vague idea is pretty darn interesting.

I am the sort of person who likes to be in control - and sad as it is to admit. . i like to be ahead of the curve. I take a little pride in where i am in life - and that i appear to be growing up. But. . . i'm starting to wonder if I'm growing up at all. The same issues that plagued me two years ago, are still on my mind. I wonder why it is that we hold onto some things. . things that hurt us in the end. Take my addiction to Diet Coke. Even though I know that delicious black liquid will probably give me ulcers and eventually cancer. . i drink it religiously, fully aware that it may hurt me in the end. There are times in my life that I try my very hardest to quit - and ya know. . i do pretty well when i set my mind to it. I'm currently 2 weeks clean, and feeling quite proud of myself. but I still just adore diet coke. why?! when i know it's not good for me, that i feel better when i'm not drinking it. . . why do i still crave it?

I'd like to blame it on my lack of self-control. That would make sense wouldn't it? I wonder if that's really it though. . . or if it's something deeper. I know that if i set my mind to stuff - i can do it. I pride myself on that fact. My parents rooted in me the knowledge that i can do anything I want - and i think therein lies the key. "what I want". Our deepest desires drive our actions. . . and i think if i was to change my desire - i would no longer crave diet coke. But nothing yet has made me change my core belief that Diet Coke is the best drink ever. Strange. . . that even the knowledge that it's bad for me, that aspartame gives me headaches, the carbonation makes me bloated. . . that all that sodium makes me retain water and look about 10lbs heavier. . . the facts are there. but - but i look past the facts, cause for some crazy reason diet coke and I have a connection. I hope by now you've realized i'm not just talking about diet coke - but that this parallels lots of other parts of my life.

So. .. that's what i've been thinking about lately. I currently have 100 days until the New Year. And i'm doing things a little differently this year - i've got some resolutions i hope to achieve by New Years - so that I won't start of the new year hoping to change things, but that things will change before it comes - and i can start the new year off with a clean slate. Will i be free of diet coke, and other things that have plagued me for more than just 2 years? I hope so. I need to rid my life of things that I know will only hurt me in the end. Water is soooo much better for me - and it won't only not hurt me - it will help me become healthier! Stronger! I need to get rid of diet coke for good, as sad as it is to let it go. . . and become addicted to water. So here's to water. And the memory of diet coke.