Removal of Wisdom

Do you ever have those nights where you just can't sleep? I do. . .and I seem to be having them more and more regularly as of late. I have a really messed up sleeping schedule - but alas. .  such is my life :) The best thing about these sleepless nighgts is that they give me no other option than to pick up my laptop and write a nice long blog. So here goes:

I got my wisdom teeth out last week, and I am very grateful that I never have to relive that experience. It was all fine and dandy the day of - I had the anasthesia and pain killers to deal with the initial shock. It was more like 5 days after that I really felt the shock of it. My cheeks had swelled to unparallled proportions, and me - being the dork I always am - decided to attend a party looking like a chipmunk. Mind you, I was slightly high on percaset* (how the crap do you spell that word? I dunno. . sound it out) - and when I'm high on that pill, I just don't act like me. I was a complete social recluse, but I found it necessary to stare at everyone in the room! What an awkward thirty  minutes that was! For myself - and everyone that fell victim to my drug induced stare!!!

The other factor in me getting my wisdom teeth out, is that I had a LOT of time to sit and think. . . even though the thinking was cloudy - I still just sat and analyzed my life. As everyone who knows me at all is aware, the past year has been a pretty extreme one for me. LIfe just changed, and it gave me plenty to think about while I was out of the loop with the whole wisdom teeth incident. As I sit here now. . .wishing I could sleep - I"m trying to decide if all this thinking has gotten me anywhere. . . Am I any closer to feeling at peace with myself? With those around me? .. . . to be honest. I just don't know.

There are times, when I feel like i'm living in a pseudo-reality. Like my life is one complete dream, and sometime soon, I'll wake up. Then reality hits me that I am indeed in reality. Those moments are hard to deal with. Then there are other times when I feel complete and utter clarity and peace with everything and all the events that have occurred. There are these bold flashes where i understand it all and it all just seems okay. To be perfectly honest, I'd appreciate it if those weren't just flashes. . . but if they could just warp into a solid state of mind. I dunno - I'm just blabbing. . .onto better things.

I was having a great talk with one of my best friends last night. I was in one of my moods, where I just didn't feel like the good ol' cheery gal I usually try to be. when I was alone, I wanted to be around people -  but when I was with people, all I wanted to do was be alone. I told him how I was feeling, and he explained it back to me perfectly. The reality of my state of mind was that I would rather be alone with a person who truly understood me. ahhh. .. exactly. I think I need to explain further for you to really understand what I mean by this:

You see - I'm a VERY guarded person. I know a ton of people, and I feel like my social circle is gigantic, and yet - there are only about 4 people in this world besides my family that have ever REALLY known me. Yes. . lots of people are acquainted with me, I don't feel like I'm fake or anything like that - but these people just know the surface me. It takes a lot for me to really let my guard down and let someone know who I really am. Well, since I'm so guarded and controlling about who I allow to really know me, there are a lot of times where I feel like no one gets me - cause well. . . they don't. They think they do, and so I just have to go along being the girl they all think I am (*even though that is me.  . . . . .I try my hardest to NEVEr be phony), when in reality I just wish that someone could look at me, understand how I'm feeling, and I could go on in the knowledge that at least one person got me.

Well, recently I've felt like no one knows me - and the few that I've really let in, have decided that they just don't care. Ouch. . .that hurts. One of those four actually called me on the phone, and I had a surface conversation with him. That hurt me so badly. It was just like a bad nightmare. I'd had one crazy week, and I had really looked forward to the chance of talking with him about that week - but instead we just talked like we had met the day before at a random party. It crushed me, cause the reality of that situation is that he doesn't want to get that close. He knows that I let him in, and he also realizes that when I let my guard down like that I tend to get attached - and he just doesn't want that. Ouch. That hurt! So there i was, on the phone, realizing that 2/4 of the people I'd let my guard down to had actually rejected me. . . and I just felt betrayed - and that only increased my ability to be guarded.

I also realized yesterday that I must appear very impersonable. That same great friend (*one of the few that actually gets me) that was explaining my frustrations to me, was laughing about the person he used to think I was. Apparently I give off the vibe of "don't get close to me" which often translates into snobbiness and conceit. The reason it was so funny is that I'm not that person at all - but I give off those vibes unconsciously in an effort to protect myself? - at least that's what we decided last night.

I guess in conclusion. . . well I dunno what to conclude. :) I'm just trying to figure out where I am in life, and what I'm supposed to be doing with my current situation. I guess I need to just follow my own advice - and chill :)

"awareness" of Irony

Wow - can you believe it? School is finally over for the year (*large long sigh of relief!)Ya know, it's always so crazy how life changes from year to year. You never really know the friendships and memories you're about to make - and then when May hits, it's always crazy to see it change again.

So, I woke up the other day - only to realize that my life is so much different than I planned. For instance - my freshman year of college, I remember seeing this blonde girl in the business building. I also remember having certian feelings of resentment towards said girl. The boys just seemed to flock to her. Of course, being the girl that I am - I instantly decided that she must be either A.Snotty B. Easy C.Dumb or D. all of the above. I made an instant judgment about this girl that lasted me for about a year and half.

Well, as we've already established - my life is a huge irony. You see - last year I went on spring break with a bunch of completely random people - only to discover that said blonde girl was in our group. Oh how wrong our impressions of people can be - and how wrong they usually are. This blonde was neither snotty, easy, or dumb. She's actually one of the most amazing girls I've ever had the privelege of knowing. To add to the irony - that blonde is now my roommate, not to mention one of my closest friends.

Well, that fact just seemed to hit me quite hard the other night. I was sitting there getting ready in an apartment I never dreamed I'd be in, being roommates with a girl I never dreamed I'd be such close friends with. It was then that I realized that I really need to stop trying to plan my life - and just start to go with the flow. . . not in the sense of giving up my dreams/aspirations. I still intend on keeping with the majors - but as far as the minor details go, I need to just relax and let fate take control. So far - it's done a pretty good job - even with me resisting with all my strength!!!

Beyond all that though, I came to realize how this time in our lives forces us to freak out. So - we need to put forth all our energy so that we don't do that very thing. That is however, a very difficult thing to achieve. Major life decisions are pressing down on us from every angle, from what major to choose, to whom to marry, to what we want to cook for dinner (*okay - that last one isn't that major, but when you're hungry. . . ). My point is, sometimes we let the pressure of these decisions break us. This is supposed to be the "Best Years" of our lives - and don't get me wrong, they have been!!! I've had more fun, more memories, and more growing experiences than any other period of my life. . . and I'm forced to question if they have been so great, only because of the stressful parts. . . wow. . that was some awful english. Let me try again.

I have come to determine (*see, doesn't that sound smarter) that these years have only been as fun/growing/amazing as they have been because of the hard decisions. wow. . . still struggling to make perfect sense - but I'm getting closer. I think it's the polar opposites that occur during this time that make them so sweet. The fun is incredibly fun, while the stresses are incredibly stressing. . . we survive only because we have the most extreme of both worlds. So - how do we cope?

This brings me back to my first point - we don't cope. We just - chill. Wow - deep thoughts by a girl who isn't high. I swear! For way too long I've tried to cope - I've tried to exert all kinds of effert to "deal" with the cards life was handing me, only to realize that this was wasted energy on things that were completely out of my control. So my decisions is this: Be in control of what I can control - and otherwise, let fate handle it!