Harry. . Marry Me?!

The countdown is currently at 27 days and 22 hours. The countdown I'm referring to is none other than the release of my all-time favorite book, Harry Potter 7. How do I know it' smy favorite book? Well, cause I'm addicted to HP. Addicted. Well, I think I'd have a hard time blogging about that for a decent length, so instead I've decided to post some questions I have - (*I'm stealing this Idea from Marty . . .pure genius)

#1. Why do guys initiate a texting convo, only to end it awkwardly?

I cannot count the amount of times this has happened. I'll get a text from a guy, so i figure they want to say something more than the 5 words they initially said, only to get a response that makes it seem like I'm annoying them by responding. WTF?!

#2. Why does Utah not have one decent radio station?

We live in a very technologically advanced age - so why is it that I can never listen to a radio station for longer than 10 minutes without getting frustrated and just plugging in my ipod? Also - how is it that they all play commercials at the same time? Do they plan that?! I'm starting to decide that they've plotted against us from the beginning!

#3. Why has the "hang out" completely replaced dating?

I can't remember the last date I went on - but I hang out with guys a lot. Guys - there is nothing more confusing to a girl than hanging out with her. Please just put it out there - if you like her, ask her out. If you don't, make it obvious your hang-outs are only as friends. I'm sick of being confused about intentions. Thank You.

#4. Why Does Coca-Cola keep changing their selection?

I love Diet Coke. I love Diet Vanilla Coke - and then they took it away, only to be replaced with Diet Vanilla Cherry Coke. I grew to love that, and now it's gone! Where do they put it?! Is it really that hard to just give us a lot of options?!! Dear Coca-Cola, you are killing me slowly.

#5. Why can't we feel the earth spinning?

We're speeding through space at an alarming rate, but I can't feel that. . . why?! I'm glad I can't. . but it blows my mind. I mean heck, we're flying through space! And I can't feel a thing!

#6. Who came up with the idea of re-runs?

Who is the TV Exec that came up with this sick joke? I miss The Office, and I miss 24.. . . why do they do this to me?

#7. Why Can't we control who we Fall for?

I swear. . . there are so many people I wish I could fall in love with, but my heart just refuses. There is nothing wrong with these people, in fact they're completely perfect on paper. But when I put myself in the position, I just don't feel anything. And yet, I always have feelings for people that are completely wrong for me. . . why is that?

So there are just a few questions I've been thinking about lately. I know they sound negative - but I just thought I'd put them out there!

So life has been pretty great lately! I've got the best job in the world this summer, and I just get to witness kids changing their lives. It's amazing!!! I love the fact that I can just sit and watch these transformations happen! In a world that so often seems only negative and scary, I get to see the rising generation in all their glory! They're great! They're strong! and they give me lots of hope for tomorrow!

Also, I had a great talk with my dad last night. It sometimes scares me how much alike we are! I saw a picture of him on his wedding day (*yeah, he was my age when he got married) and it was eerie how much we look alike. If I cut off all my hair, I'd be his twin. . okay, not that extreme. . but almost! And as I talked with him last night, I saw where I got so many of my mannerisms, and personality traits! We talked for hours, and it was fabulous!!! I dunno if I've ever said this, but I really do have the most amazing family life ever! They are all my best friends, and I dunno what I'd do without them! I lucked out in the family department!

Well, I'm finally exhausted. This has been one really weird blog. . .but hey. I'm tired :) and I just ate a bunch of gummi-worms. . is that a good excuse?! Or would the fact that I'm w/0 a diet vanilla cherry coke work better?! :)

Removal of Wisdom

Do you ever have those nights where you just can't sleep? I do. . .and I seem to be having them more and more regularly as of late. I have a really messed up sleeping schedule - but alas. .  such is my life :) The best thing about these sleepless nighgts is that they give me no other option than to pick up my laptop and write a nice long blog. So here goes:

I got my wisdom teeth out last week, and I am very grateful that I never have to relive that experience. It was all fine and dandy the day of - I had the anasthesia and pain killers to deal with the initial shock. It was more like 5 days after that I really felt the shock of it. My cheeks had swelled to unparallled proportions, and me - being the dork I always am - decided to attend a party looking like a chipmunk. Mind you, I was slightly high on percaset* (how the crap do you spell that word? I dunno. . sound it out) - and when I'm high on that pill, I just don't act like me. I was a complete social recluse, but I found it necessary to stare at everyone in the room! What an awkward thirty  minutes that was! For myself - and everyone that fell victim to my drug induced stare!!!

The other factor in me getting my wisdom teeth out, is that I had a LOT of time to sit and think. . . even though the thinking was cloudy - I still just sat and analyzed my life. As everyone who knows me at all is aware, the past year has been a pretty extreme one for me. LIfe just changed, and it gave me plenty to think about while I was out of the loop with the whole wisdom teeth incident. As I sit here now. . .wishing I could sleep - I"m trying to decide if all this thinking has gotten me anywhere. . . Am I any closer to feeling at peace with myself? With those around me? .. . . to be honest. I just don't know.

There are times, when I feel like i'm living in a pseudo-reality. Like my life is one complete dream, and sometime soon, I'll wake up. Then reality hits me that I am indeed in reality. Those moments are hard to deal with. Then there are other times when I feel complete and utter clarity and peace with everything and all the events that have occurred. There are these bold flashes where i understand it all and it all just seems okay. To be perfectly honest, I'd appreciate it if those weren't just flashes. . . but if they could just warp into a solid state of mind. I dunno - I'm just blabbing. . .onto better things.

I was having a great talk with one of my best friends last night. I was in one of my moods, where I just didn't feel like the good ol' cheery gal I usually try to be. when I was alone, I wanted to be around people -  but when I was with people, all I wanted to do was be alone. I told him how I was feeling, and he explained it back to me perfectly. The reality of my state of mind was that I would rather be alone with a person who truly understood me. ahhh. .. exactly. I think I need to explain further for you to really understand what I mean by this:

You see - I'm a VERY guarded person. I know a ton of people, and I feel like my social circle is gigantic, and yet - there are only about 4 people in this world besides my family that have ever REALLY known me. Yes. . lots of people are acquainted with me, I don't feel like I'm fake or anything like that - but these people just know the surface me. It takes a lot for me to really let my guard down and let someone know who I really am. Well, since I'm so guarded and controlling about who I allow to really know me, there are a lot of times where I feel like no one gets me - cause well. . . they don't. They think they do, and so I just have to go along being the girl they all think I am (*even though that is me.  . . . . .I try my hardest to NEVEr be phony), when in reality I just wish that someone could look at me, understand how I'm feeling, and I could go on in the knowledge that at least one person got me.

Well, recently I've felt like no one knows me - and the few that I've really let in, have decided that they just don't care. Ouch. . .that hurts. One of those four actually called me on the phone, and I had a surface conversation with him. That hurt me so badly. It was just like a bad nightmare. I'd had one crazy week, and I had really looked forward to the chance of talking with him about that week - but instead we just talked like we had met the day before at a random party. It crushed me, cause the reality of that situation is that he doesn't want to get that close. He knows that I let him in, and he also realizes that when I let my guard down like that I tend to get attached - and he just doesn't want that. Ouch. That hurt! So there i was, on the phone, realizing that 2/4 of the people I'd let my guard down to had actually rejected me. . . and I just felt betrayed - and that only increased my ability to be guarded.

I also realized yesterday that I must appear very impersonable. That same great friend (*one of the few that actually gets me) that was explaining my frustrations to me, was laughing about the person he used to think I was. Apparently I give off the vibe of "don't get close to me" which often translates into snobbiness and conceit. The reason it was so funny is that I'm not that person at all - but I give off those vibes unconsciously in an effort to protect myself? - at least that's what we decided last night.

I guess in conclusion. . . well I dunno what to conclude. :) I'm just trying to figure out where I am in life, and what I'm supposed to be doing with my current situation. I guess I need to just follow my own advice - and chill :)

"awareness" of Irony

Wow - can you believe it? School is finally over for the year (*large long sigh of relief!)Ya know, it's always so crazy how life changes from year to year. You never really know the friendships and memories you're about to make - and then when May hits, it's always crazy to see it change again.

So, I woke up the other day - only to realize that my life is so much different than I planned. For instance - my freshman year of college, I remember seeing this blonde girl in the business building. I also remember having certian feelings of resentment towards said girl. The boys just seemed to flock to her. Of course, being the girl that I am - I instantly decided that she must be either A.Snotty B. Easy C.Dumb or D. all of the above. I made an instant judgment about this girl that lasted me for about a year and half.

Well, as we've already established - my life is a huge irony. You see - last year I went on spring break with a bunch of completely random people - only to discover that said blonde girl was in our group. Oh how wrong our impressions of people can be - and how wrong they usually are. This blonde was neither snotty, easy, or dumb. She's actually one of the most amazing girls I've ever had the privelege of knowing. To add to the irony - that blonde is now my roommate, not to mention one of my closest friends.

Well, that fact just seemed to hit me quite hard the other night. I was sitting there getting ready in an apartment I never dreamed I'd be in, being roommates with a girl I never dreamed I'd be such close friends with. It was then that I realized that I really need to stop trying to plan my life - and just start to go with the flow. . . not in the sense of giving up my dreams/aspirations. I still intend on keeping with the majors - but as far as the minor details go, I need to just relax and let fate take control. So far - it's done a pretty good job - even with me resisting with all my strength!!!

Beyond all that though, I came to realize how this time in our lives forces us to freak out. So - we need to put forth all our energy so that we don't do that very thing. That is however, a very difficult thing to achieve. Major life decisions are pressing down on us from every angle, from what major to choose, to whom to marry, to what we want to cook for dinner (*okay - that last one isn't that major, but when you're hungry. . . ). My point is, sometimes we let the pressure of these decisions break us. This is supposed to be the "Best Years" of our lives - and don't get me wrong, they have been!!! I've had more fun, more memories, and more growing experiences than any other period of my life. . . and I'm forced to question if they have been so great, only because of the stressful parts. . . wow. . that was some awful english. Let me try again.

I have come to determine (*see, doesn't that sound smarter) that these years have only been as fun/growing/amazing as they have been because of the hard decisions. wow. . . still struggling to make perfect sense - but I'm getting closer. I think it's the polar opposites that occur during this time that make them so sweet. The fun is incredibly fun, while the stresses are incredibly stressing. . . we survive only because we have the most extreme of both worlds. So - how do we cope?

This brings me back to my first point - we don't cope. We just - chill. Wow - deep thoughts by a girl who isn't high. I swear! For way too long I've tried to cope - I've tried to exert all kinds of effert to "deal" with the cards life was handing me, only to realize that this was wasted energy on things that were completely out of my control. So my decisions is this: Be in control of what I can control - and otherwise, let fate handle it!

The Irony that is Kat's Life: Part 5050

So. . I realized somethign this past week. My life, is one gigantic irony. If you've ever sat there and wondered why fate hates you, know that I can empathize in every sort of way!

To begin with. . . monday was 24. . . that has nothing to do with the irony. Nothing at all! Just that 24 only lasts an hour. . and I wish it lasted 24, cause then I could always know what's going on with jack bauer!

Oh yeah. . irony. Got it. So. . . I've always tried to pretend that I wasn't the kind of girl who got all girly and mean. YOu know, the ones who are like, "I can't stand her. . she's so weird. . .etc etc". And then I realized that I was being that girl. . and I felt like I was totally warranted! I let the actions of a stupid boy turn me into one of those girls. I was taking out my anger toward this boy - on a girl who didn't deserve it. So just let me publicly apologize for being a mean girl. Girls - we need to stick together. . . boys tend to be mean - and they have a knack for turning us against each other. . when they are the ones at fault. . isn't that weird?! I hope that I never let myself be that girl again. So here is the irony - I let my mean girl guard down. . and forced myself to be a nice girl. and BAM! I realized that I had been really snotty. . and almost missed out on getting to know someone really amazing and fun! So everyone - learn from this girl's mistake. . don't be a mean girl!

hmmm. . . is that the only irony of my week?! Oh heavens no. . i'm just trying to decide if the other ironies are way too private to share with the entire population of utah state. .. and I"m deciding that they most definitly are!

oh - here is a funny little fact! I'm going to meet with a judge tomorrow. . because they're threatening to take away my license. :) I've only received two tickets - one for running a stop sign, and the other for speeding in a construction zone. I guess these two offenses carry a pretty hefty point level. . cause yeah. I'm going to see the judge. If this hearing doens't go well - i'm losing my license for an entire month. . . so everyone please pray that I don't lose it!!!

The other irony is that there has been a peeping tom around my apartment for about the past six months. Well - I got home tonight, and I was locked out of my apartment. Mind you - it's been raining, so I had on a big gray hoodie, which I had up over my head so I didn't get wet. Well, when I discovered that I had been locked out, I proceeeded to try and get in my window. . . lol. . when my entire complex is paranoid about a peeping tom. I gave up after a minute or two, and luckily my car was unlocked. So I just sat in there while I called my roommate to come and let me in (*she was with her boyfriend. . ) lol well. . not thirty seconds after I get inside my car, a police car shows up, and 5 cops hop out and proceed to shine their spotlights in the direct spot I had just been,. aka outside my very own window. yes, I was apparantly an alleged peeping tom - and I"m sitting in my car watching the cops look for me. . .even though I'm not the tom. To make a long story short. . the cops weren't too pleased when they saw me in my car. . and asked me how long I'd been locked out. . the timelines matched up. . and they realized I wasn't a peeper. . . It wasn't funny - but come on. It really was.

Work Avoidance

Outside the sun is shining, birds are chirping - it's a spectacular spring day. And here I am. . . in my apartment, pretending to be working. The best part is, Im avoiding web design. . . . by doing more web design. If only I could get paid to blog! (*maybe some day?!)

So I went camping last night! Much to the addition of my ego, I started the fire all by myself. I actually had the fire crackling before the boys had the tents up. You see, this is actually a very exciting thing! You have to know my father to truly understand why I'm so proud of this, but for those of you who do know him - you can fully appreciate the pride that I feel, and that I know he also will feel when I tell him! :)

I'm currently listening to Harry Potter, all in preparation of the book release - which one of my widgets tells me is being released in 98 days, 9 hours, and 36 minutes. :) I'm seriously in love with these books, and I'm having quite a bit of cognitive dissonance in deciding how I feel about book 7 being released. Harry has been a part of my life for so long. . I"m not sure my heart is ready to truly know how the series ends.. . My only reconciliation is that I'll be able to read it any time I want. . time and time and time again. My children will be raised on Harry Potter. . and I hope one of my little boys needs glasses, so I can slap some big black frames on him. :)

I love Spring. I love the fresh start that it gives us - especially in Cache Valley. For so many months, we're stuck in the smog - then spring comes! The cold melts away, the sun shines through, and everything starts to smell SOOO much better! I also love the fresh start that it gives my psyche. The other day I was walking home from class, and I couldn't help but smile. My life is in complete uproar, but I couldn't be upset. The view of the sun lighting up the whole valley took my breathe away. Along with spring comes finals. . that is one bad thing. And with finals comes my accounting of what I've done the past year. As I sit here thinking back on the past nine months. . . I don't know how to feel. I've grown up so much, more than I ever anticipated. I knew coming into the school year that Life was going to be changing, but I don't think I had ANY idea what I was in for. However, I'm happy to say - I"M OKAY! A few days ago, I was able to actually honestly say, I'm OK :)

When it comes to acting happy - I can usually fake it to everyone else, but deep inside I am falling apart - but not this time! This time my soul was actually smiling! I no longer had to pretend. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm so grateful for the fact that God knows what He's doing. So often we try and tell Him what to do with our lives, and then we throw a complete tissy when He kindly informs us our plan sucks. I tend to get angry when people don't like my plans - especially when I'm forced to change them. However, I'm so grateful for the fact that my Heavenly Father knows me better than I even know myself. Nine months ago, I was sure He was trying to kill me - that the trial he was giving me was some sick joke. But Today, I am relieved to say that had my plan gone through, I would have been very unhappy indeed. Thank heaven for trials - thank heaven for the fact that God is in control. How silly of me for distrusting him!!! For today, because of Him - and the pain he allowed me to experience, I'm OK!