A Walking Contradiction

So here I am. Watching deal or no deal. I just decided it was time for me to write a blog outside myspace. . . cause now everyone can read it. :)

Life for me has been pretty crazy. To be honest, it's been upside down! Life has thrown me a few curveballs as of late, and I'm learning how to handle them! I hope that I'm learning whatever lesson it is with grace, . . .but to be frank, I think i'm failing.

I've always been a girl with a plan. I knew what I wanted from life, and exactly how I would get it. I've always prided myself with being an overacheiver - the girl with the ability to get what she wanted, because she worked really hard to get it. (I don't believe in hand outs!)

So what's the problem you ask? As I sit here tonight, playing on my MacBook, I've realized something. Life has not turned out how I thought it would. The "love of my life" has dissappeared somewhere along the way, and even though I've tried to hold on for the longest time, I know it's time to give up. Let me explain. . . .

My definition of love is this - if you love someone, you hold their well being above that of your own. It means being completely selfless. I'm not talking about letting someone walk all over you, I'm saying that if you're doing something that you want to do, but it's hurting the other person, you'd give it up. Because it was hurting them. . . However, as I sit here, contemplating the "love" of my life, I realize that it was never really love. Maybe not for either one of us. Do I care about him? Of course! More deeply than I've ever cared for anyone in my life. . . but as I look back, I see more tears than smiles, and more nights spend hurting than evenings laughing in each others arms.

Why is it that we have to let go? What is it we're supposed to learn? Do we have to be on our own for a time, just so we can learn exactly who we are without someone, so that when the time comes that we really do meet "the one" - we're the best we can be? The thought of being without him hurts me to the core, and I now know the definition of heartbreak. It cuts you to the core, it's immobilizing at times. There are those mornings when you really just don't want to get out of bed, because the thought of facing another day without them in your life seems to be more than you can take. (Man I sound like a sap. . . but hear me out)

The past two months of my life have been. . . frightening. I've had to live a completely different life than I ever had planned. A life that is complelety foreign to me. Being by myself with no one to talk to has never been a part. Having to share my thoughts and feelings with a blog instead of a friend was never in the game plan. :) However, the past two months of my life have been great.

wait - did I just contradict myself? No. .. I don't think. Even though the past few months have been extremely difficult, I've been forced to deal with it. I've had to fight through it. And in doing so, I've learned more about myself than in any other time of my life. I know who I am. ..(more than I did before). . . and I know what I want. I feel sort of liberated, because now the world is open to me. I was so "tied down" to the life I had imagined, I never even thought of all the other possibilities that exist! Are those possibilities waht I want? Maybe - maybe not. But how can I know if I never try to experience them?