Elephants and Oddly Dressed People

wow. It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’m sure you’ve all deeply missed my thoughts on life, and so I decided to take a few minutes and share some things that have been on my mind lately. To start out with, the circus is in town. and I had the “awesome opportunity” to see the elephant parade. and I couldn’t help but ask myself, “What the heck????”

. . . . I’m just sitting her at my desk, coding away on some website, and I look out the window, and about 20 elephants are walking along the Trax rail. . . . ? “wow. an elephant” I thought - and then I snapped out of programming and thought, “Oh my Hell, an elephant!” Not only elephants my friends, elephants with bejeweled riders in brightly colored clothing. This strange array of elephants soon led me to asking the question of why the circus was ever invented in the first place? Were/are people so bored that we must make a spectacle of weirdly dressed people walking the tightrope and wearing gigantic shoes? Does anyone even think that’s entertaining? I mean sure. . .the elephants caught my eye. But mostly because I’m used to seeing the trax train, not an elephant train.

Onto better things. I - Kat the Geek - have decided that we all go through life faking it. Let me explain. I think we learn to use our imaginations at a very young age. When I was 4 -I could have sworn that my basement was a lake! I would walk around every single day in my swimming suit, and I would enjoy every second of my day, because everyday at my house was a day spent at the beach :) Well, I’m afraid that mentality has never really left me. You see, here I am. I’m 21, ready to graduate college - and I still live in a reality completely composed within my imagination. In Kat-land, I’m following all the right steps. Working hard in high school to get a scholarship, going to college - attending parties, dating, following the normal life of what college is “supposed” to be - in essence, just a constant future resume builder. My nights are spent at the library, then it’s on to Little Ceasear’s for some cheep pizza. Next step in life is obviously to find a job - so I did that too. What am I getting at you ask? . . . well, I’m just starting to question why we feel the necessity to imagine that we’re all supposed to follow that standard mold of what life should be? Aren’t we just acting as I did as a 4 yr old? Ignoring most of reality, just so I can have my day at the Beach?

I guess I should explain a little more . . . there is just so much going on in the world today. And yet, as young Americans, we’ve been trained to employ that imagination and just go along with our daily life, all too often ignoring the blatant and harsh realities that exist around us. What I’m not doing with this post is being pessimistic. What I am doing is petitioning myself to become a little less selfish. I get so caught up in the dream of what my life should become, I ignore those around me who could possibly be in need of my help. I need to come down a little bit from this life that I’ve always pursued and start to think about what I can do to let others reach what their imagination and dreams have always encouraged them to become. . . . only a thought

Internal Corporate Mayhem

So I just realized - my title makes no sense. But whatever. :) Those are three words that hit me in just the write way - and so I decided they'd peform well as my title.

Aww life. It's kinda funny, isn't it? Sometimes I serioulsy wish I had a rewind button. But - I wouldn't know what I know now - I'd just have had a little voice in my head, gently telling me to pull my head out :) I think it would ruin all the fun in life if we knew exactly what was going to happen to us in the future - it would take away that fun little shock and suprise that we so often encounter. Even though the anticipation, and all the unknowns kind of get to us at times, at the same time - they're what make life so beautifuL!

Another thing that I realized is this - I trust way too much. But I have also decided that that is an okay thing. I'd rather get burned than to not give people a complete chance. It's not the population of the world's fault that some people have burned us in the past. I think we owe it to the world to give everyone a fair chance. Yeah - some of them might completely make an idiot out of you - but you get over that soon enough!

Onto lighter matters - I have a serious addiction to Diet Coke. It's starting to scare me. .. and I might just have to quit. But alas - I probably won't! I have however, stopped eating tootsie rolls. I have the biggest sweet tooth in the world, and it's been killing me to pull back the reins on my sugar intake. I think that this lack of sugar has only enhanced my dependance on Diet Coke. . . so which do I choose? Or maybe I should just get some self control and stop both of them. . . yeah. That won't happen. But the thought was nice.

Oh, and to end this, I realized that the whole "Life's a garden, dig it" quote makes no sense. at least not to me. yeah  - it sounds all clever. . but what the crap does it mean? Please Explain!

Anatomy of an Elevator Ride

Okay - who has ever had an awkward elevator ride? I swear. . . .what is up with getting in a little miniature room with a complete stranger? We would never do that naturally - but yet, to avoid the pain of a few stairs, we do. I had the most awkward elevator ride yesterday! I was walking to work, got in the elevator, and sadly. . .i was not alone. A woman that works in the offices next to mine joined me. The ensueing 30 seconds were filled with a fog of intense awkwardness. It pressed down on me from every angle. . . do I say "how are you?" - "Nice day today. . ." "or Man alive, I wish it were friday". ??? Or - would it be better to sit in silence? It was apparent that we both were having an internal battle - to be social or a recluse? When the doors finally opened it gave me such immense releif I actually exhaled loudly.

From the elevator I then proceeded to my desk. speaking of awkard. .  let me give you a small visual of my department. there are 5 desks in the room, and yet there are only 4 corners. .. guess who's desk is parked in the middle of the room? Why yes - that would be mine! It's like i'm on display. . . so everytime I sit down, I just want to say, "Okay class, now pay attention" :) My network cable and telephone cord are stretched to my desk from across the room, and they consistenly trip my co-worker Josh. I had to pull out the duct tape and do some room-surgery, just to avoid a liability suit.

On a completely different note, I'm pleased to announce that in less than 48 hours, Harry Potter 7 is being released. I'm freaking out on the inside. well. . .that's about all there is to say about HP. Just know. . .i'm freaking out. Seriously.

On the matter of my life. .  it's great. I'm workin the corporate life now, going to meetings int he conference room, emailing clients. . .all that jazz. Life sure hits ya fast, and a part of me can't wait to get back to college. Even though I'll only be there til December - it's nice to know that I have at least 5 more months of "security". However, it's also nice to have a good job! To know that I can eat out at Taco Bell, and not have to starve for a few days after because of it. I can actually afford Taco Bell now! WOOHOO!

Harry. . Marry Me?!

The countdown is currently at 27 days and 22 hours. The countdown I'm referring to is none other than the release of my all-time favorite book, Harry Potter 7. How do I know it' smy favorite book? Well, cause I'm addicted to HP. Addicted. Well, I think I'd have a hard time blogging about that for a decent length, so instead I've decided to post some questions I have - (*I'm stealing this Idea from Marty . . .pure genius)

#1. Why do guys initiate a texting convo, only to end it awkwardly?

I cannot count the amount of times this has happened. I'll get a text from a guy, so i figure they want to say something more than the 5 words they initially said, only to get a response that makes it seem like I'm annoying them by responding. WTF?!

#2. Why does Utah not have one decent radio station?

We live in a very technologically advanced age - so why is it that I can never listen to a radio station for longer than 10 minutes without getting frustrated and just plugging in my ipod? Also - how is it that they all play commercials at the same time? Do they plan that?! I'm starting to decide that they've plotted against us from the beginning!

#3. Why has the "hang out" completely replaced dating?

I can't remember the last date I went on - but I hang out with guys a lot. Guys - there is nothing more confusing to a girl than hanging out with her. Please just put it out there - if you like her, ask her out. If you don't, make it obvious your hang-outs are only as friends. I'm sick of being confused about intentions. Thank You.

#4. Why Does Coca-Cola keep changing their selection?

I love Diet Coke. I love Diet Vanilla Coke - and then they took it away, only to be replaced with Diet Vanilla Cherry Coke. I grew to love that, and now it's gone! Where do they put it?! Is it really that hard to just give us a lot of options?!! Dear Coca-Cola, you are killing me slowly.

#5. Why can't we feel the earth spinning?

We're speeding through space at an alarming rate, but I can't feel that. . . why?! I'm glad I can't. . but it blows my mind. I mean heck, we're flying through space! And I can't feel a thing!

#6. Who came up with the idea of re-runs?

Who is the TV Exec that came up with this sick joke? I miss The Office, and I miss 24.. . . why do they do this to me?

#7. Why Can't we control who we Fall for?

I swear. . . there are so many people I wish I could fall in love with, but my heart just refuses. There is nothing wrong with these people, in fact they're completely perfect on paper. But when I put myself in the position, I just don't feel anything. And yet, I always have feelings for people that are completely wrong for me. . . why is that?

So there are just a few questions I've been thinking about lately. I know they sound negative - but I just thought I'd put them out there!

So life has been pretty great lately! I've got the best job in the world this summer, and I just get to witness kids changing their lives. It's amazing!!! I love the fact that I can just sit and watch these transformations happen! In a world that so often seems only negative and scary, I get to see the rising generation in all their glory! They're great! They're strong! and they give me lots of hope for tomorrow!

Also, I had a great talk with my dad last night. It sometimes scares me how much alike we are! I saw a picture of him on his wedding day (*yeah, he was my age when he got married) and it was eerie how much we look alike. If I cut off all my hair, I'd be his twin. . okay, not that extreme. . but almost! And as I talked with him last night, I saw where I got so many of my mannerisms, and personality traits! We talked for hours, and it was fabulous!!! I dunno if I've ever said this, but I really do have the most amazing family life ever! They are all my best friends, and I dunno what I'd do without them! I lucked out in the family department!

Well, I'm finally exhausted. This has been one really weird blog. . .but hey. I'm tired :) and I just ate a bunch of gummi-worms. . is that a good excuse?! Or would the fact that I'm w/0 a diet vanilla cherry coke work better?! :)

Removal of Wisdom

Do you ever have those nights where you just can't sleep? I do. . .and I seem to be having them more and more regularly as of late. I have a really messed up sleeping schedule - but alas. .  such is my life :) The best thing about these sleepless nighgts is that they give me no other option than to pick up my laptop and write a nice long blog. So here goes:

I got my wisdom teeth out last week, and I am very grateful that I never have to relive that experience. It was all fine and dandy the day of - I had the anasthesia and pain killers to deal with the initial shock. It was more like 5 days after that I really felt the shock of it. My cheeks had swelled to unparallled proportions, and me - being the dork I always am - decided to attend a party looking like a chipmunk. Mind you, I was slightly high on percaset* (how the crap do you spell that word? I dunno. . sound it out) - and when I'm high on that pill, I just don't act like me. I was a complete social recluse, but I found it necessary to stare at everyone in the room! What an awkward thirty  minutes that was! For myself - and everyone that fell victim to my drug induced stare!!!

The other factor in me getting my wisdom teeth out, is that I had a LOT of time to sit and think. . . even though the thinking was cloudy - I still just sat and analyzed my life. As everyone who knows me at all is aware, the past year has been a pretty extreme one for me. LIfe just changed, and it gave me plenty to think about while I was out of the loop with the whole wisdom teeth incident. As I sit here now. . .wishing I could sleep - I"m trying to decide if all this thinking has gotten me anywhere. . . Am I any closer to feeling at peace with myself? With those around me? .. . . to be honest. I just don't know.

There are times, when I feel like i'm living in a pseudo-reality. Like my life is one complete dream, and sometime soon, I'll wake up. Then reality hits me that I am indeed in reality. Those moments are hard to deal with. Then there are other times when I feel complete and utter clarity and peace with everything and all the events that have occurred. There are these bold flashes where i understand it all and it all just seems okay. To be perfectly honest, I'd appreciate it if those weren't just flashes. . . but if they could just warp into a solid state of mind. I dunno - I'm just blabbing. . .onto better things.

I was having a great talk with one of my best friends last night. I was in one of my moods, where I just didn't feel like the good ol' cheery gal I usually try to be. when I was alone, I wanted to be around people -  but when I was with people, all I wanted to do was be alone. I told him how I was feeling, and he explained it back to me perfectly. The reality of my state of mind was that I would rather be alone with a person who truly understood me. ahhh. .. exactly. I think I need to explain further for you to really understand what I mean by this:

You see - I'm a VERY guarded person. I know a ton of people, and I feel like my social circle is gigantic, and yet - there are only about 4 people in this world besides my family that have ever REALLY known me. Yes. . lots of people are acquainted with me, I don't feel like I'm fake or anything like that - but these people just know the surface me. It takes a lot for me to really let my guard down and let someone know who I really am. Well, since I'm so guarded and controlling about who I allow to really know me, there are a lot of times where I feel like no one gets me - cause well. . . they don't. They think they do, and so I just have to go along being the girl they all think I am (*even though that is me.  . . . . .I try my hardest to NEVEr be phony), when in reality I just wish that someone could look at me, understand how I'm feeling, and I could go on in the knowledge that at least one person got me.

Well, recently I've felt like no one knows me - and the few that I've really let in, have decided that they just don't care. Ouch. . .that hurts. One of those four actually called me on the phone, and I had a surface conversation with him. That hurt me so badly. It was just like a bad nightmare. I'd had one crazy week, and I had really looked forward to the chance of talking with him about that week - but instead we just talked like we had met the day before at a random party. It crushed me, cause the reality of that situation is that he doesn't want to get that close. He knows that I let him in, and he also realizes that when I let my guard down like that I tend to get attached - and he just doesn't want that. Ouch. That hurt! So there i was, on the phone, realizing that 2/4 of the people I'd let my guard down to had actually rejected me. . . and I just felt betrayed - and that only increased my ability to be guarded.

I also realized yesterday that I must appear very impersonable. That same great friend (*one of the few that actually gets me) that was explaining my frustrations to me, was laughing about the person he used to think I was. Apparently I give off the vibe of "don't get close to me" which often translates into snobbiness and conceit. The reason it was so funny is that I'm not that person at all - but I give off those vibes unconsciously in an effort to protect myself? - at least that's what we decided last night.

I guess in conclusion. . . well I dunno what to conclude. :) I'm just trying to figure out where I am in life, and what I'm supposed to be doing with my current situation. I guess I need to just follow my own advice - and chill :)